T-Minus 2 weeks to whatever.............

These last few weeks have found me in a place where I feel hamstrung. I have marginal people working in positions where I have no options (at least ones I would exercise in different circumstances)to make drastic changes. Assholes that know they have me over a barrel. With 2 weeks to go before we disembark to Missouri, I have to hold my nose and grab the reins tighter and try to get this horse into the barn healthy and in one piece. Being the boss sucks sometimes.


Lately, the weight of what my immediate future holds has hit me square between the eyes and in my heart. Being here, in Wisconsin, having done this for the last 5 years, my mind has tricked me into thinking that it was just "business as usual". I'll finish up, pack my stuff and go home. Home has taken on a whole new meaning though. I hurts to know that I am going home to an empty house. That all my life as it has been for over 20 years has been obliterated. I think the reality of just how different and less rich my life will be, how much I will miss Jacquelyn is starting to sink in. Man I really screwed the pooch on this one. Honestly, my hearts desire is for her to be happy. I haven't been able to do that for quite some time now. I hope I will find some happiness for myself. Although I look around and I see my single friends, some who have been single all their lives, some like me, single after years of being part of something bigger. I don't see a whole lot of happiness. I'm scared.

Could be worse...........

Well, here we are again. I was looking at this blog on my phone earlier today, reading my last post, and realized that the spiral descent I so feared documenting has come to pass. I am still at my all time high, weight wise. I still half heartedly seek the face of God, and I am in the process of getting divorced. What a fine shit sandwich I have made for myself. But there are good things happening too.


I am presently spending my 5th summer in Northern Wisconsin and in spite of some less than optimal personnel choices (which have been fixed) things are going fairly well. My dear friend Steven is here doing what God had intended him to do (whether he realizes it or not) making great food and running the new camp like a Swiss watch. I have dedicated my newly found free time (being single and not having to make the effort to engage the spousal unit) playing and studying the guitar. I hope that someday, I can be as good a guitar player as the one I hear in my head. I know that I am a better than average player (30+ years, I'd better be) but, I want to play the  effortless complex riff filled music I hear in the players I love. When I return home, I will begin the studious pursuit of theory and understanding how to play those complex riff filled songs and perhaps dare to play in public. It is my dream.


All in all, I am at an interesting place in the Life of the Reluctant Midwestener. I may even, at some point, allow my reluctance to send me back West. My son is 2 years away from being done with school, and my only reason for being here is about to be legally severed. The mountains beckon me once again. Will I heed their call?

Am I really here?

Well, what can one say that hasn't been said once a year for 8 years? I keep coming back to this blog towards the end of a calendar year, promising to be more consistent with my posting, and then never follow through. I wouldn't say my life was not worth chronicling. Truth is, I have (when I have time) a pretty adventurous existence. My summers especially, are filled with exotic locales, beautiful wild trout, Bald Eagles soaring above me, and the camaraderie of my culinary peers and apprentices. Here at home, work has been as rewarding as it has been challenging.

I think one of the problems with me being consistent with writing is, I am looking for something. Something to be excited about, something worth chronicling.  My health (physical, spiritual, relational) is not well.  I am heavier than I have ever been in my life, I am struggling with the fact that I have lived probably 2/3 of my life to this point, the cynicism inherent with the utter lack of spiritual pursuit, crushes me to my core. I'm not suicidal or mad. I am deflated. I am struggling to take the first step towards happiness. From what I understand, I am hardly alone in this predicament. This last paragraph is why I don't blog. I fear that it could turn into a documentation of the sputtering, lurching, blasé life of the Reluctant Midwesterner. Fuck me..........

Well hello one and all. It's been a while since my last post and some pretty exciting things have been happening to me, The Reluctant Midwesterner.

I have been taking guitar instruction for about 6 months now and I can't believe how much my playing and confidence has grown. Having a guiding hand to see me through the fundamentals has been just what I needed. Scales and theory has been a bane to my guitar existence in the past. But now I relish running up a down scales and recognizing lead patterns in my favorite songs.

Also, I'm heading back to the North Woods for the month of June and the fish better watch out.

TRM

Talk about lame potatoes...It's been over a year since I last posted to my blog. To say not much has happened that was worth blogging about would be less than true. I've has possibly the best summer of fishing ever. I got to spend 3 weeks at a pop at cool weather locales in the height of the sultry Midwestern summer. Wisconsin being one and Colorado (my favorite place on the planet Earth) the other. It's been a pretty sweet summer to say the least. Coming back to work this fall has been relatively smooth. Everyone seems to be happy to be where they are, and the clients are equally as happy with the new faces in new places. Overall, a great time to be me. Looking forward to posting more.
TRM

I just wanted to post this to my blog. This is the link to the photo album documenting my grandest adventure. Enjoy.


Joey's Great Adventure

Well, summer break is underway (has been for a few weeks) and I'm starting to feel decompressed for a change.
My vacation began immediately the afternoon of the 15th. 5:00pm saw me on an airplane for Philly. Ah, sweet sweet home. The trip was prompted by the wedding of my cousin Jed (an event that only served to show me how old I've become) and gave me opportunities to see people (family) I haven't seen in years and years. I made me realize how much I've missed out on. I understand that a career, family, distance, disagreements, etc. make the myopic focus of one's day to day life seem so consuming. I just can't help but feel I've missed out on an awful lot in the long run. I am hopeful that the future is rich with family long missing from my life's experiences.